


How could I have ever been ashamed of loving Nagisa Hazuki?

by chromyrose



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, Brothers, Coming Out, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-15 21:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1319917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chromyrose/pseuds/chromyrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Nagisa admits he feels Rei is ashamed of him, Rei decides it's time to come out to his family about his sexuality. Things don't go so well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starsinew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsinew/gifts).



> This takes place in the summer break during Rei and Nagisa's third and final year of high school. In Japan, the summer break falls in the middle of a school year, not between two school years the way it does in the West. 
> 
> It is canon that Rei has an older brother, but we know nothing about him. He features heavily in his fic, and his name is Ryou. I imagine that Rei would call him "aniki" or "onii-san", but I went with a simple honorific instead because I'm not writing this in Japanese.
> 
> The title is a reference to the last line of my all-time favorite book, _Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe_.

“I still think that you should be the team captain, Nagisa-kun,” Rei said furtively, because of the crowded train around them. “I only learned to swim two years ago, and I am still not very good at any of the strokes but butterfly.”

Nagisa waved his hand as if swatting Rei’s concerns away. “Nonsense, your breaststroke has gotten really good!” He chirped, “And besides, I would be a terrible captain. I would probably let a first-year drown right under my gaze.”

“No you wouldn’t,” Rei countered softly. “You jumped into an ocean to rescue me, remember? You’re very capable.”

“That was because it was yooooou,” Nagisa sing-songed, beaming at him. “I couldn’t let you die and let that perfect, wonderful butt leave the universe!” 

“Nagisa-kun!” Rei barked, as his cheeks started to burn bright red. An older woman sitting near the boys failed to stifle a giggle, and Rei’s expression only became more horrified. “We’re in public,” he hissed between his teeth.

Nagisa pouted dramatically, and starting fanning his face with his hand. “Why is summer so hot? Do you still have my ice pops in your freezer, Rei-chan?”

“If you’ve left any uneaten, then yes; no one eats them but you, Nagisa-kun.”

“Yay,” Nagisa cheered, grasping Rei’s hand and twining their fingers together. “Then I’m pretty sure there’s an orange pop waiting for me to get home!” 

Rei very slowly extracted his fingers from Nagisa’s, pointedly avoiding his boyfriend’s gaze as he did so. At once, Nagisa’s posture became tense, and he tilted his head imploringly, somewhat fearfully. Though Rei often complained about public displays of affection, even small ones, they had been dating for well over a year and for the most part Nagisa had managed to help him past those reservations. At the very least, holding hands should have been perfectly fine.

“I’m afraid you can’t come home with me today, Nagisa-kun. Remember that I mentioned my parents were going to pick my brother up from university for his summer break? They’re coming back this evening.”

“Oh… But I want to meet Big Brother Rei-chan, too. And it’s not as if your family isn’t already used to me being so intrusive.”

Rei sighed. “That isn’t something to be proud of, Nagisa-kun. If it was up to me, of course I would have you over, but my brother will be tired from his semester and the trip back to Iwatobi and it would be very disrespectful of me to expect him to be introduced to you. And that is not to mention the fact that my parents have also been on the return trip with him and will no doubt be tired themselves and-“

Nagisa cut Rei off with an open palm pressed to his mouth. “I get it, Rei-chan,” he said, obviously forcing a smile. “You’re ashamed of me, aren’t you?”

His expression collapsed when he could no longer keep the façade on, and his eyes shone with worry. Rei immediately leaned into him, “Of course I am not ashamed of you, Nagisa-kun.”

Nagisa wound the strap of his bag around his finger tightly as he shook his head. “I know you are, Rei-chan,” he murmured, quieter than Rei had ever heard his voice before. “We’ve been together for two years and your parents still think I’m just your friend. You won’t even kiss me much if we’re at your house.” He shrugged, watching his fingertip swell and become purple. Rei was staring at the side of Nagisa’s face; his eyes were shiny with a screen of tears, and perhaps if there was any part of Rei’s mind left unoccupied he would have wondered at the composure in Nagisa’s voice. Instead he could hardly focus his thoughts at all, except for the sensation of a siren going off in his brain; _Fix this._.

“N-Nagisa… I had no idea you were feeling this way. Why… why hadn’t you said anything sooner?”

“Because this isn’t about me,” Nagisa said sharply, letting his finger unwind from the tight strap and giving Rei a side-look. “This is about Rei-chan and his family, and I can’t tell you what to do.”

The train lurched to a halt, and Nagisa stood up, throwing his bag over his shoulders. “This is my stop,” he chirped, without his usual vim. “Don’t forget our first practice is in three days.”

“Wait-,” Rei called out, but Nagisa was carried away by the crowd of commuters, off of the platform and out of sight. Rei had never thought he would miss the way Nagisa would stand on the platform and wave at him frantically until they could no longer see one another.

\--

When Rei got home, he phoned his mother to notify her, and discovered it would be another two hours before the rest of his family arrived. Anxiety and guilt hung heavy in his chest, and warred in his mind; he entered the shower, hoping it would help him get some perspective, or otherwise just clear his mind of the issue. Rinsing the conditioner out of his hair, he became fairly certain that while there were multiple ways out of the situation, there was only one for which he favored the outcome. 

He set the table with trepidation pulsing through his veins, and dropped no less than six individual chopsticks as he readied everything for dinner. And, though he realized it probably bordered on the dramatic, he returned to his bedroom and wrote out an entry in his journal detailing a short will, and a list of regrets. He only put his pencil down when he heard a car pull up in front of the house.

“Welcome home, Ryou-san,” Rei said, greeting his older brother at the door with a casual bow. Ryou chuckled, and fluffed Rei’s hair.

“It’s good to see you again, Rei-kun,” he smiled. “You’ve gotten taller since New Years’ again, haven’t you?” 

Rei shrugged, stepping aside to allow his family into the home; his mother and father greeted him more casually as they walked past, but Ryou lingered behind. 

“Seriously though, Rei, it’s nice to see you again. What have you been up to? How is swimming?”

“Swimming is alright,” Rei responded, grabbing Ryou’s suitcase from him; this gave his brother the chance to pull him into a surprise hug, and Rei inhaled sharply before he was properly aware of the embrace. 

“I’m glad. Tell me everything at dinner; I’ve been dying to eat some of mom’s cooking.”

\--

Dinner was a mostly quiet affair, with idle chatter and the click of chopsticks against their plates the only real noise; as expected, it was Ryou doing most of the talking, much of which with his mouth full. But it was endearing, and in lots of ways it reminded Rei of Nagisa. 

The thought of Nagisa made Rei’s stomach roll violently, and he barely picked at his rice for the entire meal; his curry chicken cutlet was untouched. When his mother noticed, she expressed her concern; Rei tried to burn the image of her worried, loving expression into his memory, and then he took a deep breath.

“Mother, Father, Ryou-san, I have not been completely honest with you these past few years. The truth is that…” He swallowed past a hard lump in his throat. 

“The truth is that I am gay, and Nagisa is my boyfriend.”


	2. Chapter 2

The silence around the intimate family dining table was enough that Rei could hear their neighbor’s television playing a local variety show, and his own heart’s painful, anxious thudding. His chest physically ached from the pain of its palpitations, but he forced himself to stay in his seat and face the consequences of his admission. And perhaps things wouldn’t be as bad as they were in his imagination, he was prone to gross exaggeration on occasion, after all, and these people were still his family…

“No, you are not,” his father said curtly, cutting into the silence with the precision of a blade. As if to punctuate his sentence, he ate a bit of his chicken. Rei was torn between relief, incredulity, and anger. 

“Yes, I am,” he challenged, affirmed, feeling the pain spike in his chest. _’It would have been much easier to let it go_ , the voice in his mind reminded him. 

_But it would have been wrong_ , he told it. He took another deep breath, but there were no more words. Rei had said everything he could think to, everything he needed to. The ball was no longer in his court.

“But _why_ ,” his mother shrilled, her voice cracking on the end of her cry. “You are such a _good boy_ , Rei, what caused this… this nonsense?”

Ryou surprised Rei by scoffing. He answered, and it was good that he did because Rei felt like he’d been paralyzed by the terror in his mother’s eyes, “This isn’t nonsense, Mother, this is just who he is.”

“I knew there was something fishy about this situation,” their father spoke again, and Rei noticed his neck was turning an awful shade of crimson. “When you told us you were leaving track for the swim team, I wondered what on Earth it was that inspired that decision. As a child you were a terrible swimmer and you put up the biggest _fuss_ about learning it, and then overnight you were leaving behind the thing you _excelled_ at to swim? But I told myself to have patience with you. I had patience when you bought that boy here, though I always wondered why he insisted on being so _strange_.”

Inside Rei, there was an explosion; where he had been frozen in spot, the heat in his blood broke through and he burst. 

“Do not call him that!” 

“Rei!” His mother cried, and perhaps those were actual tears glistening in her eyes but when he was so fueled by anger he couldn’t see them too clearly. When he blinked, he became aware that his own vision had been clouded with tears, as they then left white-hot streaks down either side of his face. He felt a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, and looked over to see his brother standing at his side. 

“Dinner was absolutely delicious, Mother, but if you don’t mind Rei and I will excuse ourselves. Don’t worry about cleaning up, either, we’ll get it in a bit,” Ryou said in his smooth, calm voice, and then he whisked them both down the hallway to Rei’s bedroom. He shut the door behind them and sighed. 

“You could have warned me that you planned on dropping that bomb tonight.”

“I am so sorry,” Rei murmured, wiping his messy face. He had collapsed onto his bed, and he knew he was shaking visibly. He heard Ryou sigh again, and the mattress sunk down beside him. 

“You don’t have to apologize, Rei,” Ryou said, nudging his brother over and then lying down beside him. “I’m pretty proud of you for being so brave.”

Rei shook his head, “It was cowardice. I have been dating Nagisa for nineteen months now, and I never had any intention of telling our parents, or you. But today, while we were on the train home, Nagisa admitted that he thought I was _ashamed_ of him.”

Ryou hummed. “Were you, though? Are you?”

“Of course not! If anything, honestly…” Rei sighed. “I am ashamed of myself.”

“What? Why?”

“Because, I am… not the son Mother and Father want. I work hard and I get good grades, but I need medicine to keep me mentally and emotionally stable, and even then I am not normal because I take things too seriously, and because I am attracted to men and not to women.”

“Not at all?”

“No,” Rei replied with obvious shame. Ryou shushed him softly.

“Don’t worry about it, you are absolutely fine exactly the way you are. You say you’re ashamed of yourself, and personally I find that a little ridiculous because I have never been ashamed to have you as my brother.”

“Really…?”

“Would I lie to you, Rei-kun?” 

“No,” Rei consented, sighing. “But I am surprised that you weren’t surprised by my admission.”

Now it was Ryou who shrugged, “I think I already kind of knew.”

“Eh?” Rei gasped. “How?” 

“I’m not sure, it’s just something about how you acted around the guys on my track team when I was in high school, and the way you were totally nonchalant and completely collected being around girls. And, well, you said it yourself that you’re not exactly ‘normal’,” Ryou quoted, “but being normal is pretty overrated, anyways.”

Rei turned away from his brother and responded, “No offense, but you wouldn’t understand what it’s like to feel like an outsider; compared to that I would certainly rather be ‘overrated’.”

“Alright, that’s fair, but I’m glad you are who you are. So what if you’re a homosexual, Rei, it doesn’t make you any less of a smart, successful person. Mom and Dad are kind, but they’re a little old-fashioned, they just don’t understand that this isn’t something you can help being. Give them time to get used to the idea, they’ll come around.”

“And until then I will have to feel like a stranger amongst my own family,” Rei whispered, his voice tight. Ryou put his hand on Rei’s shoulder and squeezed. 

“It’s going to be okay, Rei.”

Before Rei could reply, there was a knock on the door, and it was being pushed open by their mother. Rei turned around, and Ryou removed his arm; the two of them sat up and turned their attention to her.

She cleared her throat, “Excuse us, Ryou, but I would like to speak to Rei, alone.”

Rei sensed Ryou’s muscles tense a bit beside him on the mattress, and his brother met his gaze in a wordless question. Rei found himself nodding, and so Ryou stood up. 

“Alright,” he consented, leaving the room. Rei’s mother stepped in after him and shut the door behind her. For a moment there was just tense silence, as Rei fought to meet her gaze even though he didn’t want to see the confusion and pain in her expression.

“What’s this all about Rei?” she asked softly, kindly, but even so Rei felt threatened. 

“I am a homosexual, mother,” he affirmed again, his fingers gripping tightly to the sheets on his bed. 

She made a pained noise and sat down beside him. “Why, Rei? Where did we go wrong in raising you? What did we do to make you this way?”

“N-nothing!” He choked, feeling the flames rise in him again. “This has nothing to do with you, or the way you ‘raised me’.”

His mother bit on her lip, and twiddled her fingers in an anxious habit he recognized from his own research on the subject. When she spoke next, her voice was small and high, “Were you… were you molested?” 

For a long moment all Rei could do was gape at her as his mind caught up to the implications of her question; the rage in his chest only boiled more fervently, and he wanted to explode at her, to scream and cry and beg not to be put through this, not after he’d already put himself through it for years in the past. Not when he was starting to love who he was. 

“ _No_ ,” was all he could manage. “No, Mother, I was never _molested_ , or _sexually harassed_ , or anything else you may have read in a magazine.”

His mother looked taken aback, and Rei assumed that was because he was taking a tone with her now that he had never taken before, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel remorse. 

“Sweetie,” she tried again, her voice as gentle as ever, the way it was when she sung him lullabies as a child (and in the back of his mind Rei could only think that it was _grossly unfair_ ). “Are you sure this isn’t just a phase…?”

Rei screamed. He was up on his feet so quickly he did not even realize he had stood, except that he was now towering over his mother, who had been shorter than him for years, now. “I know who I am!” he wailed. “ _Please_ respect that I know myself! That I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t completely certain it was the case because I _knew_ you would react this way. That I would not… subject myself, to your looks of disappointment and shame, unless it was absolutely necessary…”

His voice cracked at the end of the sentence, after having gotten progressively quieter, and the tears were dripping hot and fat down his face. He couldn’t even see his mother’s reaction, with tears clinging to the insides of his glasses and further blurring his vision, but Rei did feel two strong hands plant themselves on his shoulders and _squeeze_.

“I think we all need to spend some time apart,” Ryou’s voice came from behind Rei, strong and steady, and he let himself collapse back into his older brother’s chest. “If it’s alright with you, Mother, I am going to take Rei out with me tonight to Yoshi’s house.”

“But…-“ Rei heard his mother’s voice, weak and wounded, but Ryou cut her off.

“You don’t need to worry that anything bad will happen to him,” he said, speaking softly now. “I’ll be there with him all night, remember? I’ll keep him out of trouble.”

Rei understood that the sort of trouble his mother might have assumed he would get into probably had to do with other boys, but he hardly cared at this point. His anger was gone, the fire dead, and now he felt entirely like he was made up of cooked pasta, ready to collapse at any moment. He was grateful for Ryou’s presence, holding him up physically and emotionally, or else he might have fallen to his feet and begged for his mother’s forgiveness. He heard his mother consent to his going out, and went off to mindlessly pack an overnight bag of his things at Ryou’s instruction, as his older brother led their mother out of the room deep in a hushed conversation.

\--

An hour later, when they were up the block from their home, Ryou turned to Rei and said, “You should go to your boyfriend’s house.”

“W-what?”

Ryou sighed, then laughed. “What, you didn’t think I actually intended to take you to Yoshi’s house, did you? I know you two have met before this is kind of a reunion night for our old track team, and you’d just feel miserable and out of place. Right now I’m pretty sure you’ll wanna be with… Nagisa? Cute name, by the way.” 

Rei scowled at his brother, who growing up had often teased him for his feminine name, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. But he stared at the screen, and then looked away. 

“I don’t think I can see Nagisa right now. We had that fight a few hours ago, and if I tell him what happened with our parents he is going to blame himself for my being so upset. I can’t do that to him.” 

“Hmm… well, what about the other guys on the swim team? The friends in the photo you showed me last summer?”

“Asking to spend the night on such short notice isn’t very polite. And you told Mother you were going to keep an eye on me,” he reminded Ryou.

“Rei, you haven’t needed anyone to keep an eye on you since you were a toddler. And besides, it’s not as if you can go out and get pregnant, or anything like that. I trust that you know how to take care of yourself, okay? Our parents might still see you as their youngest, but I know you’re a mature seventeen year old. As for being impolite, Rei, that’s what friends are _for_.”

Rei sighed, but then clicked through the contacts on his phone. There were hardly many, and it didn’t take him long to reach the name he was looking for.

_Haruka-senpai._

“Hello?” Haru’s voice came through the phone; Rei cleared his throat and responded. 

“Hello, Haru-senpai. How are you?” 

“I’m alright. Is everything okay?”

“Of course,” Rei answered quickly. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s not like you to call me out of the blue; usually you just text.”

“Ah… yes. Well, to be honest, everything is not really that okay. To make a long story short, I got into a bit of a confrontation with my parents and I need a place to spend the night… Are you back in Iwatobi yet?”

“I’m back,” Haru affirmed. “But I am spending the night at Makoto’s house.”

“Oh, my apologies, that’s fine-“

“Ah, Rei, hello,” Makoto’s voice came through the phone, cutting Rei off. “Haru is just being silly; he meant to say that of course you are welcome to spend the night here as well.”

“A-as long as I am not causing you any trouble…”

“I insist,” Makoto said firmly. “In fact, we’re expecting you now, and if you don’t come we’ll send Nagisa after you.”

“Oh,” Rei said, wanting to inform Makoto that that wouldn’t be the best idea, but also not wanting to say so much over the phone. “I am on my way, in that case.”

“See you soon,” Makoto replied cheerily.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time Rei arrived at the Tachibana household, the sun had fully set over Iwatobi and the sky was speckled with stars. He noticed the stars before he reached the doorstep and paused, recalling a night two years prior when he was able to share the constellations with his teammates and new friends, stranded on a deserted island. A small smile grew on his face at the memory of that night, but then he was drawn from his thoughts by the sound of a lock clicking. The door pushed open, and Makoto was smiling at Rei from the small crack.

“Good evening, Rei.”

“Good evening, Makoto-senpai,” he replied quickly, hastening to the door. “Thank you for having me on such short notice.”

“It’s not a problem, Rei,” Makoto assured him in his steady, gentle voice; already Rei found the tightness in his chest subsiding, though he still felt a little high strung. “Come in.”

Rei took his shoes off at the door, and greeted each member of the Tachibana family in turn as he passed them on their way up to Makoto’s room. When he thanked Makoto’s mother for allowing him to stay the night, she waved him off with a smile and told him that he was always welcome; Rei wondered if that was actually the case, or if she too would look upon him in horror if he knew what his mother now knew. Mentally, he reprimanded himself for having that thought; regardless of her opinion, there was no chance of her turning a guest away, and besides, Mrs. Tachibana’s opinion hardly meant as much to Rei as his own mother’s did.

Makoto gestured for Rei to enter his room first, and pulled the door shut behind them; Haru was already there, sitting on the floor with his back against Makoto’s bed, lazily flicking at a videogame controller. He looked up and nodded at Rei to acknowledge his presence, but it wasn’t until his turn had ended that he paused the game and turned to address him properly. 

“Rei, it’s nice to see you.”

“And you, Haru-senpai, Makoto-senpai. When did you get in from school?”

“Earlier today, actually,” Makoto answered happily, moving a bowl of rice crackers to the floor between Haru and Rei. “Though Haru’s been in town since last night, right?”

“Mhmm,” he affirmed. “Are you okay, Rei?”

“I… I assume you’ll want the truth, then?”

“It would be appreciated,” Makoto agreed with a soft smile. “But take your time, okay? We have all night.”

“…Thank you.”

“Oh! I was going to call Nagisa and invite him over, too, but before I could Haru pointed out that if you had wanted to go to Nagisa, you wouldn’t have called us, so I decided to wait first and see if that was something you wanted?”

Rei exhaled a little in surprise, and turned to Haru, who met his gaze head-on and shrugged. 

“Nagisa would become upset.”

Even Haru’s lips were downturned now, and he put his hand carefully on Rei’s knee. “You know you don’t have to feel ashamed of anything.”

It was that word, ‘ _ashamed_ ’, that broke Rei; he shuddered and hugged his arm.

“Nagisa believed that I was ashamed of him,” he said carefully, “because I never came out to my parents about our relationship. When I realized how much I must have been hurting him, and for so long, I came to the conclusion that there was only one way to set things right…”

Makoto was frowning now, and he gasped softly. “You told your parents that you’re gay?”

“Yes,” Rei nodded solemnly. “And as expected they did not take it well. Fortunately, my brother was able to intervene and convinced them to let me out of the house so we could all have space… I don’t even know how he accomplished that, honestly.”

“It’s a good thing he did,” Makoto replied. He was smiling again, though Rei could see that this time it was a little bit forced. “How are you feeling?”

“Honestly... I feel somewhat dazed. I feel as if I’m hardly certain this evening actually happened, and this isn’t all a very involved dream.”

Haru leaned in and gave Rei’s leg a gentle pinch. It drew Rei from his own mind and he looked at Haru incredulously.

“Haru-senpai?”

“Did you feel that?” 

“I… Yes?”

“Good, then you’re not dreaming.”

Rei scowled a little, “Well, no, I knew I wasn’t actually dreaming, Haru-senpai, I meant more that my mind is distancing itself emotionally from the situation so in a way it does feel dream-like.”

“I know,” Haru responded, pursing his lips. “But you need to be distracted.”

For a moment there was quiet, only the sound of the video game’s music filling Makoto’s bedroom, and then Rei said, “It hurt.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Haru-senpai, not you. I meant the way my family looked at me, when I came out to them…”

Rei succumbed to the overwhelming need to cry once again, but this time Haru and Makoto were there. Though it was tense and perhaps even awkward, Makoto held Rei loosely in his arms, until he managed to collect himself again. He could only imagine how un-beautiful he was, with his face red and splotchy and his nose dripping, but neither of his friends said a word about it. Haru suggested Rei wash his face, and when he returned from the bathroom he was unceremoniously handed a controller.

The night passed in a haze of video games, until Makoto yawned loudly enough that it registered in Rei’s mind. He put his controller down and suggested they go to sleep; he insisted that he have the small pallet on the floor made of piled sheets, because there was only one futon, and he was the uninvited guest. Makoto’s sleepiness soon won out over his kindness, so it was an argument Rei won. He removed his glasses and placed them on Makoto’s side table, then nestled himself tightly in sheets despite the heat, abnormally aware of the significant weight of his head against the pillow.

Just as he’d feared, though he’d tried very hard not to think too much about it, Rei found that he could not fall asleep. It wasn’t for lack of comfort, because the floor was cool and the sheets smelled pleasant, like spring detergent. His mind was abuzz; he felt like a stranger in his own skin, and the unusual surroundings did nothing to alleviate that anxiety. He shut his eyes, closing out the blurry, dark, yet still visible surroundings, and found himself making a soft noise of displeasure as he tried to shut off his brain.

He felt a hand on his arm, and when he opened his eyes he saw the faint outline of Haru’s body, leaning off the futon and towards him. “Rei?”

“I’m fine,” he whispered back sharply. Haru doesn’t move his arm.

“It’s okay if you’re not,” he murmured seriously. “You don’t have to be.”

Rei swallowed hard, grabbing hold of the courage the cover of darkness gave him. “Of course I do.”

“That’s stupid.” Haru lowered his voice and continued, “Makoto didn’t have an easy time of it either, when his mother found out, and he wasn’t even the one to tell her.”

“W-what?” 

“I am not going to tell you more, that’s Makoto’s story to tell. But his mom accepts him now. Your parents will too.”

Rei sighed, and bit his lip. “Thank you, Haru-senpai.” 

Haru made a soft affirmative noise, and started to pull his arm away; on an impulse Rei reached out and grabbed his hand, holding his fingers loosely. When he caught up to his actions he felt himself flush, but before he could take it back Haru wordlessly squeezed back, and lowered their hands to rest on the floor between them. 

It was as if Haru’s hand was absorbing Rei’s anxiety, the way that Rei felt himself growing calmer, and eventually even tired. To the sound of Makoto’s even breathing, he drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anpan is a japanese sweet roll with a red bean paste filling.
> 
> This chapter features both Nagisa and Rei's points of view, and both events are happening almost simultaneously.

Nagisa shifted awkwardly before the front door of Rei’s house, as he waited for someone to answer. The heat of the summer was oppressive, especially because of the mosquitoes he could feel feeding off his bare legs. More than the discomfort of the weather, though, Nagisa was worried; in the past several hours, he’d sent Rei innumerable text messages, and there was no reply. He’d even called his phone, three times, but Rei never answered. It was so unlike Rei to be out of touch, even though they had just had a fight, that Nagisa found he was honestly scared for what this meant.

It kept him up the entire night, as he mulled over the argument in his head. Maybe he was being silly, reading into things so deeply, and Rei took everything so seriously he probably should have just kept his mouth shut. Rei was definitely just busy with his family, that’s why he didn’t have time to respond to any of Nagisa’s messages.

Or maybe he really _was_ ashamed, of how _clingy_ Nagisa was being.

Finally the front door of the Ryuugazaki household opened, with a friendly, “Sorry about that, I was in the bathroom.”

The person who answered the door was definitely not Rei; though he was of a similar height and frame, and though he had the same short, neat blue hair, his tone was much too jovial and casual, and there was a glaringly obvious lack of red-rimmed glasses sliding down his nose. 

“Big Brother Rei!” Nagisa squealed when his mind caught up to what he was seeing; the older boy laughed.

“I prefer ‘Ryou’, actually. You must be Nagisa.”

“Yes, I am. I mean,” Nagisa shook his head, then bowed properly. “Nagisa Hazuki. It’s nice to meet you! Has Rei told you about me? Is that how you knew who I was?”

“He’s mentioned you,” Ryou shrugged, leaning against the door frame. “But he actually isn’t home right now, you know.”

“He’s not?” 

Ryou heaved a long-suffering sigh. “I was hoping he’d have gotten over himself and called you already. He went to spend the night with some of his swim team friends?”

“Mako-chan and Haru-chan?” Nagisa gasped, feeling his stomach turn; he can’t recall a time when Rei was ever social without him. Yes, they’d had a fight, their worst fight yet, even, but… 

“Hey, don’t look so down,” Ryou’s voice cut into this thoughts, and Nagisa mused that he really _did_ sound like Rei when he got so soft. “It just seems like you’ve missed a lot. Come in, I’ll get you caught up.”

\--

“So you’re telling me Rei-chan came out to his family because of what I said to him?!” Nagisa shouted, and Ryou shushed him hard.

“It’s true that Mom and Dad are out shopping but please keep your voice down,” he chided him. “But yes, Rei felt bad that he upset you and he wanted to make it right. But our parents didn’t take it well, so I smuggled him out of the house. I told him to go to you, but he didn’t want you to worry.”

Nagisa matched Ryou’s frown with a much larger one of his own. “That explains why he didn’t answer any of my messages…”

“You should go look for him,” Ryou suggested, pushing the small cup of tea closer to Nagisa. “After you calm down a bit, though.”

Hot tears were pricking at the corners of Nagisa’s eyes and he shook his head. “I cause Rei-chan so much trouble.”

“I’m not going to say that isn’t true, because how would I know?” Ryou started, rubbing the rim of his teacup. “But, here’s a story for you: when Rei was little, his favorite toy was a stuffed bear with a cassette player in the back that read stories out to him. He absolutely loved it, but because he’s Rei, you know, he took the best possible care of it. He never took it to kindergarten with him, or even took it out of his room. But every night after he brushed his teeth he’d get in bed and pick a tape and play it before he slept. 

Then one night I didn’t hear the sound of the bear telling the story coming from next door, and the same thing for the next few nights. Our parents got really worried because Rei wasn’t sleeping well, either. When we finally asked him about the bear he cried and took it out of his closet, and played it for us to show us the sound wasn’t right anymore. The bear was talking really slowly and the voice was deeper than it was meant to be, and Rei was trying not to cry. He kept apologizing for having broken it, except it wasn’t broken at all, it just needed new batteries.”

Nagisa found he couldn’t help but melt at the thought of a child Rei, his eyes watering over his favorite toy. Not for the first time he found himself wishing he’d met Rei before they were already fifteen, that he’d grown up with Rei the way he had with his other friends. 

“Oh…?”

“Yeah. So what I’m saying is, Rei pushes away the things that he loves to prevent himself from breaking them. I don’t even think he’s mad at you, Nagisa-kun. He just doesn’t want to hurt you.”

“But I’m here for him to hurt me!” Nagisa burst out. “That’s what lovers are for! We kiss, then we fight, then we kiss even harder to make up for the fighting!”

Ryou chuckled. “What are you telling me that for? My brother is the one who needs to hear it. Go get him!”

Nagisa nodded and bounced up off the floor, bowing briefly at Ryou with a sincere “Thank you!” before he rushed towards the train to Haru’s house.

\--

When Rei awoke the next morning, he was surprised to find Makoto’s bedroom was empty. He checked his phone and found that not only did he have many missed calls and texts from Nagisa and his brother, but that it was also nearly 11:00 am. He got up and ready for the day in a flustered, rushed panic, putting on last night’s clothes again and running his fingers through his hair in lieu of giving it a proper brushing. After he apologized profusely for sleeping in, Rei found it impossible to deny Mrs. Tachibana’s hospitality, and so he left their home with an anpan stuffed in his mouth.

On the train ride towards outer Iwatobi, where both he and Nagisa lived, Rei read through the text messages he’d missed while his phone was silenced; in most of them Nagisa was spewing apologizes and begging Rei to forgive him, as though he was the one who’d needed to apologize. His fingers itched over the keys of his phone, to tap out a response, but nothing sounded right. He wanted to apologize in person, face-to-face, and sending Nagisa a simple “Don’t Worry,” might have made him worry even more.

Because of his distraction, Rei very nearly missed his stop. Even after he got off the train and exited the station, his fingers were still hovering over the keys of his phone, until the phone was knocked out of his hand when he bumped into someone else.

“My apologies,” he gasped, quickly bending down to pick up his phone and its battery, which had fallen out. He didn’t look up until the other spoke, and a cold shudder ran through his spine.

“Rei-chan?!”


	5. Chapter 5

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa gasped again, this time jovially, and he threw his arms around Rei and pulled him into a tight embrace.

“Nagi…sa… kun?”

“Rei-chan I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have felt so jealous and upset it was so stupid! And I talked to your big brother and he told me _everything_ and I feel so bad I made your parents kick you out and-“

“Wait, Nagisa, stop,” Rei said, attempting to be sharp but sounding more confused than anything else. Still, at the sound of his voice Nagisa ceased babbling and looked up at him with wide, watery eyes.

Rei’s mind was flitting about trying to find the right words, but his gut told him to forgo the words altogether; Nagisa’s arms were still hanging around Rei’s waist, and so Rei put his hands on them, pulled his boyfriend upright and then in so that their chests touched. Nagisa made a small noise of wonder, and then Rei kissed him fervently. His palms moved up and cradled Nagisa’s jaw, his fingers caressing his cheeks, as he tried to convey physically what he couldn’t verbalize. 

“I’m _sorry_ , Nagisa,” he gasped when they broke for air. “I have never, ever been ashamed of you. I was somewhat ashamed of my parents, for their old fashioned ignorance… but mostly I was just ashamed at myself. For my cowardice.” 

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa murmured, as he wiped a tear off Rei’s cheek. Then he buried his face in Rei’s shoulder and squeezed him _tight_. “You’re being so _stupid_!”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, weakly, and Nagisa clucked his tongue and kissed Rei’s neck; Rei did not even care that people could probably see, he was so wrapped up in Nagisa. 

“Tell me you love me?”

“I love you,” Rei obliged immediately. Nagisa hummed happily and kissed Rei again, full on his lips. 

\--

They walked together towards Nagisa’s home, hand in hand, when Nagisa started, “I think maybe you’ll want to stay at Mako-chan or Haru-chan’s house again. My sisters are home for a visit.”

He made a face of repulsion, and then he frowned. Rei’s brow furrowed. 

“You do realize I was not actually removed from my house, right? I don’t know why my brother told you that.”

“Oh?” Nagisa hummed. “I might have assumed that part. But Ryou-chan said you got into a fight with your parents…?”

Rei pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “That happened, yes. I am reluctant to go home as a result.”

“How bad was it?” Nagisa asked softly, squeezing Rei’s hand.

Rei gave a hollow laugh, “My mother asked if I’d been sexually harassed as a child.”

Nagisa gaped, his jaw dropped nearly to his collarbone. “That is so dramatic!”

Rei laughed again, but this time it was a little closer to genuine. “Nagisa-kun, I love you.”

“I love you too, Rei.”

“R-rei?”

“You called me Nagisa earlier! And it made me really happy to hear it, even though I know you like honorifics too much for it to have been anything but an accident. I wanted to try it too. Rei.”

Blushing, Rei squeezed Nagisa’s hand. 

“I’m really happy because you were willing to come out to your family to make me happy,” Nagisa said a moment later. “But I’m really mad that your parents are such… such…! I don’t even know what to call them that will fit but won’t upset you!”

Rei shrugged. “I know. But I suppose the worst is already over. The truth is out there, and they have had time to get past their initial reactions.”

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“No, it’s okay. Perhaps not yet, just… in case.” 

Rei was still thinking of the tone his father had used when he called Nagisa “ _strange_ ”. Nagisa hummed. 

“Okay, Rei-chan.” 

They were at the intersection where they had to part ways, then, so Nagisa got on his tiptoes and kissed Rei a final time before turning up his street.

“Oh, and Rei-chan?” He called back.

“Yes, Nagisa-kun?”

“If you ever don’t answer my messages and make me worried again, I’ll bite your dick!” 

Rei turned bright, bright red. “ **Nagisa-kun!!** ”

Nagisa’s laughter could be heard from two full blocks away; Rei didn’t close his front door until the sound was completely gone.

\--

To celebrate his graduation, Rei’s mother put together his favorite meal for dinner the night before the ceremony. In a small fit of courage, Rei informed her that he was inviting Nagisa to eat with them. He didn’t miss the way she gaped for the briefest of moments, but she consented and that was it.

Nagisa played the most polite of guests, and Rei fought to suppress a smile all throughout the meal as Nagisa exercised an abnormal amount of self control. Both boys knew that Rei’s parents were going into this dinner a little anxious; months had passed since Rei had come out, but they had never had to interact with Nagisa beyond brief greetings since then. 

“So Nagisa, what are your plans for university?” Rei’s mother asked during their meal. Nagisa swallowed, then smiled. 

“I am going to school with Rei-chan, thanks to him helping me get good enough grades! But not for economics like him, of course; I am not smart enough for that.”

Rei watched his parents intently for some kind of a reaction, but they were both relaxed after the initial surprise, and he couldn’t tell what they were thinking.

“I’m glad,” his mother smiled. “It will be nice for the both of you to have someone you know and trust with you.”

Flabbergasted, Rei could not stop himself from sputtering, “Are you serious?”

His mother sighed, and even his father looked vaguely uncomfortable. “Forgive us, Rei. Nagisa-kun. When Rei came out to us, we didn’t handle it well. And to be honest, we still don’t understand it. But we can see that our son has opened up so much more the past few years, and for that we should be thanking you, Nagisa-kun.”

“Mom…”

Rei’s gaze flickered back and forth between his parents, who had their heads bowed humbly. Nagisa was confused, but he was also beaming. Unabashedly, he leapt out of his chair and pulled Rei into a hug, tightly. And Rei yelped, a little embarrassed and certain that his parents were even moreso, but he hardly cared because _they were accepting him_.So he clung back to Nagisa without worry, and for the first time in a long time, Rei was content.

**Author's Note:**

> Like what you read? Follow me on tumblr @ zahhaked.tumblr.com


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